The last few weeks have been a blur, a whirlwind. It’s hard to believe it’s already been almost two weeks that we learned our baby girl was no longer with us. We are making it day by day only because of God. I’m so thankful His mercies are new every morning. He has gone before us in all of this and is still making a way for us.
We have sensed His presence and experienced His faithfulness from the day we found out we were pregnant in January. We were not trying to get pregnant. The day I found out I called Adam bawling. He thought I’d had a wreck because I was so upset. I told him this was the worst thing that could happen, but He reassured me all would be good this time. We believed this time would be different. Surely this would be our “redemption story”…our comeback to give God all the glory. God gave me a peace day by day that He had me; He had the situation under control.
The day I found out I was pregnant, I immediately texted by OB. Our OB was amazing (as always) and immediately put us in touch with an endocrinologist in Dallas who had extensive background in dealing with multiple second term pregnancy losses. We eagerly awaited getting to visit him believing he might be able to find the source of our last three losses and be able to prevent another one. Our visit with him left us hopeful that he would find an answer. He ran seven tests that had never been run before and we just knew something would come back positive. The day I got the test results back I was so disheartened to learn everything came back normal. Really? Normal? Three losses and I’m normal? But, I thought “Ok God, You want to do this all on Your own. You want to receive all the glory for this baby being born full term.” So, we moved forward continuing all the meds and injections I was doing for “precaution” and believed with all our being that God would bring a screaming, kicking baby into this world on September 30.
Our last visit to Dallas was during week 16. We got to see the baby via ultrasound. She (although we didn’t know that yet) was kicking and moving around. The doctor remarked several times, “Wow, what a busy baby we have here!” Seeing the baby during that visit made me hopeful something would be different this time. Just maybe we would walk into the doctor’s office the following week and see our baby kicking and moving all over the place.
Sunday afternoon there was a mix up with my Heparin injections and they weren’t going to be able to get them until Monday afternoon. I was supposed to give myself a shot on Monday morning. So, I sent a text to my OB and she said they would work on getting it from the hospital and have it for me Monday morning. So on Monday morning we headed to the doctor’s office to pick up the Heparin for my morning injection. My mom dropped me at the door and I ran upstairs intending to just grab my medicine and head home.
When I arrived the girl at the front desk sent me back to see Jennifer, the nurse. Jennifer was working on getting the meds ordered through the hospital. Then she said, “Hey, what week are you again?” I told her we were going into week 17 and she said, “Ok, hold on.” In just a few seconds she was back waving me to come her way. She said, “There’s no one here this morning, let’s do a quick heartbeat check.” I immediately had an enormous calm over me, almost knowing what I was walking into. All I could think was, “Of course, I’m alone again.” Adam had been so diligent in making every appointment, but this one wasn’t scheduled. I was supposed to come in Wednesday for my appointment, so there I was alone. As soon as the sonographer put the instrument on my stomach I knew it – no heartbeat… AGAIN. She said, “Have you felt the baby moving?” It was still early to really feel any movement. She said, “It looks very recent because I can still see all four chambers of the heart.” I just laid there in disbelief praying God would perform a miracle and make the baby’s heart beat again. Maybe she made a mistake and just wasn’t seeing things right. She walked out and gave me a chance to call Adam. Thank goodness Adam was on campus at the hospital and was able to walk over in just a few minutes.
We sat in the room and just cried and prayed. We couldn’t believe this was happening again. “No God, this was supposed to be different. You were supposed to receive the glory with a full term baby.” I was just at a loss. Jennifer, the nurse, was so good. She offered hugs, Kleenex, and made us comfortable while we waited to decide what we should do next.
I decided to check into the hospital that day and begin the process of inducing labor. I asked our OB for another ultrasound to just be sure our baby was really gone and to see her one last time in my womb. She was so peaceful. Her little hands were close to her face and her little legs were crossed. The nurse had known for 2 months what the sex of the baby was. We told her to let our nurse in labor and delivery know because we wanted to know when they did the sonogram. A girl.
I said in the beginning God has gone before us from the get go. And God was not surprised when this happened. He already was working things out and going before us. It was evident in the nurses we were blessed to have in labor and delivery. Emily, the nurse to greet us when we showed up at labor and delivery, had been one of our nurses during our 2nd loss. Ever since then we have kept up with her. Monday they had told her she had a reduction in hours, I’m guessing because things were so quiet. She had told them she was coming to work Monday. A few hours later they got the call that I had lost the baby and would be checking in that day. Emily immediately said I was hers. She greeted us with hugs, tears and offered the world to us in ways of comfort, food, and laughter. She stayed by my side constantly on Monday making sure I was comfortable; doing anything she could to make me feel better.
During the afternoon Emily asked us who we would want for our night nurse. Having had two previous losses at St. Anthony’s, Adam had a list of all the nurses who had tended to us. Of course none of them were working that night. Emily said, “I have the perfect nurse. She just started, and she’s never done something like this, but she has an amazing heart and will be wonderful!” She was not kidding! Shelby was absolutely amazing!!! She has one of the biggest hearts! She shared with me about books she had read that had helped her grow in her faith, prayed for me, and shared tears. I’ll never forget what she said to me. She told me that as she drove to work, knowing she would have me, that a sense of peace came over her and she said, “Sometimes God calls you to things you don’t feel equipped to do.” Isn’t that the truth?! I was lucky enough to have Shelby both Monday and Tuesday nights as my nurse.
Tuesday came and I was excited because I was going to have Danielle as my nurse. Danielle is very special to me. She was with us several days on our 3rd loss and was there the day we delivered. There’s a special bond and a special place in my heart always for Danielle. On Monday when I lost the baby, Emily immediately messaged Danielle. Danielle was actually not supposed to work that Tuesday, but had traded with another girl the week before. Danielle claimed me for Tuesday and Wednesday and I could not have felt more at ease and thankful. Danielle has seen me through the worst parts of the last two deliveries….where the pain ramps up and when the baby is delivered. She is so compassionate and loving. The love of Christ overflows from this lady. She truly showed Christ to me as she sat and talked with me when Adam stepped out of the room, hugged me, cried with me, held me for my spinal, and was the one to hold my baby girl for the first time. My oh my how I love her!
I can’t say enough about my OB, Allyson. She has been with us through three losses and has never told me to go find another doctor! She has a big, compassionate heart and has always been so kind. During every loss she has checked on us consistently, hugged us, cried with us….far more than any other OB would have done. We feel so blessed to have found her when we moved to Oklahoma.
Emily, Shelby, Danielle, Jennifer, and Allyson are absolutely amazing women! I know the reason is because they know the Lord and were willing to stand by my side. It’s not easy to have to be a nurse or doctor to someone who has lost a baby. Not many nurses jump at the opportunity to take care of helping someone deliver a stillborn baby. Yet these women, so willingly gave of themselves. This is something I will forever be grateful for. There are not enough words of gratitude to express to let them know what a blessing they were to Adam and me. You ladies will forever be a part of our story, a part of our lives. I’m thankful that I had y’all to walk with me each step of the way and would want no one else. Your care and concern for me is beyond being a nurse or doctor. You will always hold a special place in my heart. God placed you in those moments to minister to me when I needed it and I’m so thankful you embraced His call! I love you girls!!!
Over the next couple weeks and months I want to share more about our story and how God is working through it. It’s been unbelievably tough, I’m not gonna lie. But, I keep reminding myself that He is always good and His plans are perfect. We may not understand them here on this earth, but I will continue to look for the good and look for where He is working and moving.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 NASB
17 Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
18 Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
19 The Lord God is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.